I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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