once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
