I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
