A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I did not marry a roomba.
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