conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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