epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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