dude i'm inner monologue high
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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