Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
