I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize