Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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