no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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