I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
