fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
