People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize