there's paper in my vomit.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
