Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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