3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
