he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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