You're so nebulous sometimes
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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