If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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