Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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