Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We just shotgunned beers for America
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
