??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
