If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
