y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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