i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
