my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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