Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
