I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
