I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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