so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
