apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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