I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize