My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
