The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
