My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
