I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
it glows. i had to have it.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
