I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
