come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
