the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
