your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Will exercising make me less horny?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
