Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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