I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
