I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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