if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
