hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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