I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
