New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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