Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
