I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
