Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
