So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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