she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
