so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It's rum buckets o'clock
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
