why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
