Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
