How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
it was like eating out sand paper
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
