life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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