that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize