Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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